For whatever reason, I felt like I needed to share this. I came across this tonight as I was looking through my music folder for something to play and sing. -I love looking through piles of papers that I have stashed away and forgotten about....Anyway. This one brought tears to my eyes. I guess because lately I've been having very tender feelings about being a Mom.
Many times when I need to get emotions out I will put pen to paper... I'm so glad that I can look back and read things like this and be taken back to those feelings and memories that I otherwise forget about. I love journaling!!!

9.07.07

I am tired. It seems like I have been a one man show for several days & I am pooped. Jess moved Katie over to California over his two days he was off - and I didn't see him much before that - and he is working today.
I really enjoy being with the boys - they are fun and they make me laugh, and I make them laugh. It is odd to me how I can have polar opposite feelings so closely together - time wise. One moment, I am overjoyed with motherhood. My heart swells, I want more children. Then, I feel overwhelmed, discouraged, not strong enough, not patient enough, tired, and down.
Saturday night I had thoughts of getting a babysitter to just get out by myself, or to go on a run. But before I knew it, it seemed too late, and ultimately I gave up the fantasy. Besides - there was laundry to wash and put away, floors to be swept, and shelves to be dusted.
Sunday morning was surprisingly easy going and not rushed. I always feel rushed when Jess is around - or resentful that he is sleeping-in while I got up with the kids like I always do and get them ready, as well as myself. Sometimes it's just easier to have him gone - because there is no other option than to take care of it myself - I don't wait for him to help.
Church went really well. Sacrament wasn't awful - I managed fairly well with all three. Bro. Loescher came up to me afterwards and said I was doing a great job juggling. That really made me feel good. Bodie asked me to sit with him in Primary, and so I did. I felt the Spirit so strongly. It was very sweet and I am grateful for that experience.
Today a friend from Jr. High was passing through and stopped. We had a nice visit and then packed lunches and went to the park. She (Megan (Fowler) Klatt) is so sweet and such a neat gal - and she has two sweet little boys - Parker and Gunner. After the park I took the boys to the fire station to visit Jess. We had a blast.
This afternoon the feelings of despair came back and I knew I needed a break and to get out of the house. I was able to find a last minute babysitter for two hours. I went shopping and I went crazy - when I was driving away from my house, I felt FREE, giddy, excited. sigh. I saw a very cute dress in a shop downtown and decided to try it on - It was very cute on and I bought it. I also got two other shirts. I spent some money. I can't help the slight buyers remorse that I feel deep down whenever I spend money on myself - or make several purchases in a row - but by golly I went to town - it was almost like a rebellion!
The two hours came quickly, all too suddenly, to an end. I came home to find Brock covered in magic marker and Wyatt eating newspaper and the responsibility of getting these boys bathed and into bed. sigh. I was PLEASANTLY surprised to find that my babysitter had put dinner away AND unloaded the dishwasher. HUGE!!! As I was sitting in the boys bedroom, telling them the "Little Boy Airplane & Star Wars Shoot Shoot" story I made up (and they ask to hear every night) I took in the sweetness of the moment - of parent and children sharing and talking, singing and praying together. :) This time with small children is a whirlwind of emotions and experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything. I love those little boys with all my heart.